I love Valentine’s Day because it is an opportunity to have fun with someone you love, or like a lot, or maybe just barely tolerate the rest of the time.
February 14 is the day you ply that certain someone with flowers, chocolates, a romantic dinner and then expect, and can be fairly confident of getting, wantonly carnal reciprocation from this benefactor of your benevolence.
This would not be a kiss on the cheek, nor a warm handshake and heartfelt look. I am talking about the ultimate embrace, the meshing of flesh, raw unadulterated sex.
Sex in Mexico can be a sublime experience. Hell, sex anywhere can be a sublime experience. And it doesn’t require special shoes or protective headgear. A statistician came up with the figure that every day 200 million couples around the world have sex, which is a little over 2,000 couples at any given moment.
At times during spring break on the beaches of Mexico we could own a measurable percentage of that stat.
Most of us can remember the very day and time of the pivotal events in our lives which forever changed our perspective of the world: Pearl Harbor, the Kennedy assassination, the Berlin wall coming down, 9/11. And of course our first, full sexual encounter.
This latter pivotal event could either be the joy of mutual exploration over a previously forbidden landscape, or the awkward groping in a dark space with a mysterious and unknown outcome. The first time was probably not the best time, but it is the life-changing event that is indelibly embedded in our conscience till the day we die.
Society has had a fascination with sex ever since there has been something resembling a society. And societies, being what they are, have made many judgments about what is considered to be either proper or improper sex.
Many of the decrees that intended to curb or control the sexual activities of both men and women, as well as animals, are either cruel and unusual, or downright ludicrous. Up until 1884, in Victorian England, a woman could be sent to prison for denying her husband sex. (I know I have seen some men out there who are wishing for a return of the old days.)
However, a Hong Kong law will allow a betrayed wife to kill her husband, but she has to do it with her bare hands. I believe this explains the large number of women who take up martial arts in that Asian city.
If you happen to be a moose in Fairbanks Alaska, you are not allowed to copulate on the city sidewalks. I guess streets, parking lots or front yards are just fine for a pair of amorous moose. I am still unsure how the cops would enforce this law when they come across 2,000 pounds of perpetrators earnestly engaged on a city sidewalk.
Florida law forbids anyone from having sex with a porcupine. Try as I might, I can’t wrap my mind around the circumstances which led the state representatives to waste their time on this piece of legislation. There must have been a wave of sex crimes involving porcupines and shady politicians we never heard about, but politics is a prickly business.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, it’s against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth. This assumes that you can have sex with a truck driver everywhere else in Pennsylvania, which is good news for truck drivers.
Besides volumes of rules and regulations which attempt to confine our sexual activities within socially acceptable parameters, statisticians have spent countless hours and mountains of money studying the sexual habits of all earthly creatures.
Whether these studies were done by serious scientists or nerdy perverts looking for obscure grant funds, I will never know, but some of the findings are entertaining. A female black widow spider can devour up to 20 mates per day. This is a great opening for a really witty remark, but I am not about to piss off all the women in my life.
Did you know that frequent lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose? Somehow sex is a natural antihistamine and can help ease asthma and hay fever. So for all you guys out there, next time you see an attractive woman with a runny nose, or maybe just a sniffle, you can make a legitimate offer to ease her suffering.
There are several studies which show that sex can actually relieve headaches, including migraines. A good orgasm can release the tension that restricts the blood vessels in the brain. This one goes for both men and women. So, what’s your excuse now?
I just have to throw in a word about one of Mexico’s favorite pests, the mosquito. These little bloodsuckers can only mate in the air and then they complete their sex act in two seconds or less. I know there are women reading this right now who are thinking back to similar encounters.
There is also a lot of interesting information about sex in both the past and present. The word sex was coined in 1382. I am not sure what it was called before that, but I’ll bet even the Neanderthal male had a descriptive monosyllable grunt easily understood by the lucky female. In fact, I think I once heard that distinctive grunt from an inebriated male at Joe’s Oyster Bar.
The word avocado comes from the Spanish word aguacate which is derived from the Aztec word ahuacati which means testicle. After reading this, the average male will slightly wince in the future as he watches his wife deftly slice this soft green fruit with such ease.
After researching this subject extensively, I have come to the conclusion that it can be an incredibly beneficial activity between loving adults, or a mechanical act between compliant participants. The choice is personal and deep reaching but made individually and collectively at the same time.
The human mind is a vast and immeasurably complex thing and valued by many over the human heart. However, it is the human heart that should be used to value those you chose to become intimate with. But what the hell, it is Saint Valentine’s Day on Tuesday: go find someone to get hot and sweaty with and savor nature’s free gift to us all.
Bodie Kellogg describes himself as a very middle-aged man who lives full-time in Mazatlán with a captured tourist woman and the ghost of a half wild dog. If you wish to give him cold beer, large sacks of money or a piece of your mind, he can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.