Many expat friends have asked me about a restaurant dynamic that makes them uncomfortable. They don’t understand why waiters are quick to clear the table but need to be flagged down later to get the check. I think sobremesa explains it all.
Sobremesa is a cultural tradition ingrained in Mexican culture. The word is derived from the Spanish words “sobre” (over) and “mesa” (table).
When you get together for a meal in Mexico, the experience is rarely limited to just eating. We stay at the table and engage in meaningful conversation, sharing life updates long after dessert. This after-meal moment can stretch for hours and is devoted to strengthening social bonds.
The rich history of sobremesa
Historically, it’s not hard to find antecedents to the sobremesa tradition. In the ancient world, Roman emperors and guests indulged in lavish banquets, after which, reclining on their divans, they were entertained by acrobats, actors and poets.
During the Renaissance, bourgeois etiquette escalated among the great families of Italy, including the Medicis and the Sforzas. This era saw Leonardo Da Vinci captivate guests after dinner by presenting his intricate machine models and works of art.
During the French Revolution and the opulent reign of the Napoleonic Empire, sobremesa emerged as a core aspect of gatherings. Aristocrats showed their lavish lifestyle and sophistication by hanging out long after the meals.
The ritual as it is practiced in Mexico originated in Spain in response to heavy three-course meals and hot weather, especially in the south of Spain, where there would be little incentive to end a comida quickly and go back outside. As it would be wildly inappropriate to have a siesta right at the table, sobremesa became a delightful alternative to allow for healthy digestion.
The wellness benefits of this tradition
Apart from its cultural significance, sobremesa appears to offer health benefits. Taking time to relax before and after a meal has been linked to improved digestion and overall well-being. By allowing the body to properly digest food in a relaxed state, sobremesa promotes better nutrient absorption and reduces the likelihood of digestive discomfort.
Sharing stories, laughter and insights with loved ones can uplift spirits and nourish the soul.
Watch your manners in Mexico
Mexicans think it’s rude to mention difficult topics during a meal. Conversation while eating is mostly about the food and praising the cook. However, after the meal, acceptable topics are nearly unlimited. Sobremesa conversations can range from lighthearted banter to deep thoughts. As you may know though, once tummies are full, people can talk about anything.
This after-meal ritual is such a barometer of cordiality in Mexico that if you want to paint a picture of high tensions, all you have to say is, “We didn’t even stay for the sobremesa.”
Although it can go on longer on the weekends, the sobremesa can be the weightiest part of a business meal. It starts once the eating is done and the plates have been cleared. Deep conversations are reserved for after eating because in Mexico, speaking with your mouth full is reprehensible.
By the way, if you tend to talk while chewing, don’t be surprised if your guests suddenly leave.
Sobremesa etiquette at restaurants
When you go to a restaurant and find a waiting line, you’ll probably get a strange look if you ask for an estimated waiting time. That’s because there’s no way to predict how long guests will stay and chat at their table once they’ve finished their meal.
Other cultures may think it’s rude to keep people waiting for their table, but a Mexican will find it rude to get up and leave as soon as they’re done with the food.
The art of lingering
So, dear amigos, remember this when dining out in Mexico: if your plates are quickly cleared, the waiter is inviting you to stay and enjoy your sobremesa. Waiters will bring you the check only when you are ready to leave.
This fast-paced world is calling us to slow down and savor the moment. Sobremesa is considered one of the barometers of joy in our culture. Whenever there is a chance, let’s practice the healthy habit of staying at the table, relaxing and enjoying each other’s company.
Sandra Gancz Kahan is a Mexican writer and translator based in San Miguel de Allende who specializes in mental health and humanitarian aid. She believes in the power of language to foster compassion and understanding across cultures. She can be reached at: [email protected]
This is a nice article but part of it made laugh.
“They don’t understand why waiters are quick to clear the table but need to be flagged down later to get the check. I think sobremesa explains it all. ”
Yes I’m sure this is why we have to flag them down to get menus, to take our drink order, to bring our drinks, to take our order…and to request the check.
Basically to do anything anywhere in Mexico.
Again, I’m laughing, I’m not complaining. That’s just Mexico.
US
Where do you live in Mexico, that this is the norm for you? I’m interested.
I live in Huatulco, Oaxaca and in the majority of restaurants, we have the opposite to your experience, except for having to ask for La Cuenta. Wait staff are usually on the ball with refilling drinks, etc. Yes, there’s a few places that we no longer frequent either due to mediocre food or service. Nowhere is perfect! Aprovecho/Salud!
As a former waiter I really appreciate this type of service. In the US waiters seem to give the check as soon as the food is served and then you never see them again. When I was a waiter table appearance was very important.
Thank you for this interesting article and explanation of ‘Sobremesa’. Well done
Well, an interesting story on how it was “back then.” But this is “now”. I’ve been a Residente Permanente in San Miguel de Allende since 2006.
That was long before San Miguel was targeted as a Magic City and UNESCO World Heritage City to heavily promote tourism with worldwide promotion and advertising. YouTube video campaigns were being developed even while the town was under quarantine during COVID. Sure the streets and sidewalks were quiet, restaurants were inviting, the video hosts were young and good looking and not wearing mandatory COVID face masks, and the only exception in one of them was a very brief glimpse of the bartender way in the back, behind the bar at the fringe of the frame. He was wearing a mask.
Well, I met two friends at a favorite restaurant yesterday (Saturday) just after it opened for La Comida. And once again, the menu prices continued to zoom from the time before. Even a bottle of Tecate Light now cost $65 pesos MN. And the bottle didn’t look quite right: it was a full bottle, but only contained 325ml, NOT 355 that’s standard in both bottles and cans sold at a grocery store.
At La Comer, a six-pack of 355ml Tecate Light beer costs $86 pesos, or around $14.33 each. That’s quite a mark-up for the restaurant for a shorter content bottle.
And the restaurant quickly filled. Tables became scarce.
It really seemed that the era of Sobremesa was over. The restaurant is after turns, not leisurely meals at a table that can be cleared, filled with more diners, and even more afterwards for three times the revenue. With tourists, that works just fine. For the restaurant, even better yet. The more times they can fill that table each day with patrons, the more revenue that single table can generate for the restaurant — as well as the waitstaff.
I certainly hope this isn’t a common experience elsewhere.
As an expat living in Merida the sobremesa has definitely become a way of life when dining with my Mexican friends here. Lunch usually lasts into the early evening with more drinks and lots of conversation. Love it!
Estimada señorita Gancz
Espero que todo esté bien contigo y tu familia y que estés soportando este clima tórrido.
Estoy usando este código secreto llamado español para felicitarte por tu elegante estilo de escritura, que puedes comparar con la verborrea aburrida y antediluviana (puaj) que se encuentra en algunos sitios web como mx-us, que debe haber sido escrito por algún viejo nebuloso que ya ha fallecido (es decir, por ejemplo, etc.), para beneficio de su comunidad de expatriados.
No hay forma de actualizar este sitio web. Pero veo un enfoque más útil si deseas discutirlo y reírte un poco a expensas del fantasma que escribió mx-us.
Que todos tus deseos se hagan realidad
Graeme Howard
Gracioso, especialmente el código secreto
That is funny 🙂 Weird but funny.
We live in Oaxaca, Mexico. Although some restaurant meals have gotten quite expensive, we generally don’t partake of them; instead, we head for Comida Corridas or comida economicas. The Comida Corridas are often less than $200 pesos for 2, & only a little more for most economicas. Most of these are between 2:00 in the afternoon and 5:00, which is when we eat our main meal of the day.
Sometimes we are in a hurry after the meal, but we have never been rushed by a waiter. Lingering, a sobremesa, is still alive in our neck of the woods.
Incidentally, we’re not drinkers so that always keeps the bill down no matter where you are.
I didn’t know this . . . con una sonrisa
You start with a late lunch to begin with, say at 3 PM, and the table is cleared around 6 pm. I remember sobremesas that began when a box of dominos was brought out along with the tequila. That is why it nice not to have to drive when you finally leave the table around mignight.
Is this for real? “Don’t chew your food with your mouth open.” “Don’t speak with your mouth full.” Are these things okay in some places? You know, it’s okay to spit your food out while your talking about the coming election. Don’t worry about it. Chomp away. Here in Texas, we don’t mind getting covered in mouthfuls of tacos or chilaquiles. Oh, and when you’re chewing here in Toronto, open your mouth as much as you can. So we see can right down your throat. We love to see the food go down. Are we talking about a zoo here or what? And, “Mexicans think it’s rude to mention difficult topics during a meal.” Really? Who says and where is it okay to mention difficult topics or not while having a meal? Again, what does this have to do with Mexico? This sort of stuff is not for ex-pats or visitors or even Mexicans, but for kind of aliens, extra terrestrials… or a Tarzan-type straight out the jungle! Anyway. I don’t know. I just find it very odd.
This is one tradition of which I wholeheartedly approve! I’ve never liked being hustled out of a restaurant as soon as I’ve finished eating, even when I lived in the states and had never even thought of moving to Mexico. The waiters here are very attentive, but will NOT bring your check until you ask for it! I hope this never changes.