Life can be complicated. Whether you’re facing personal dilemmas, grappling with cultural adjustments, or simply trying to make sense of your emotions, we all need a little help from time to time. That’s where Jenna Mayhew comes in. A seasoned psychologist with a deep understanding of both mental health, relationships and crosscultural living.
Every Wednesday, Jenna answers one carefully selected question from our readers. Her approach is grounded in years of experience, a warm and empathetic demeanor, and a genuine commitment to helping people understand themselves better. Whether you live in Mexico, are navigating life as an immigrant, or simply want advice on a personal matter, Therapy Talk is here to provide thoughtful, evidence-based guidance.
No question is too big or too small.
Dear Jenna,
I’m a 32-year-old straight woman living in Mexico City, and I’ve been actively dating for the past few years with the goal of settling down and starting a family. However, I’m beginning to feel that time is running out. Unfortunately, my experiences here have been disappointing — many of the men I’ve met have been unreliable, dishonest, and even downright dangerous. I’m considering relocating to Europe in search of men who are more aligned with my values and who fit the type of partner I’m looking for. While I’d miss living in Mexico, I resent how it has hindered my ability to find a meaningful relationship and pursue motherhood. Should I make the move?
City Seeker
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Dear City Seeker,
I can sense the frustration and pressure you’re feeling as you navigate your search for a meaningful relationship and your desire to settle down and start a family. It’s not easy to face setbacks, especially when you feel that time is running out.
You may or may not be surprised to learn that this is a common concern brought to therapy in our clinic, particularly by women in their 30s and early 40s. I suspect you’ve had a friend or three with similar experiences. There are many downs, some ups, followed by even more painful downs; and after a few years of consistently putting your time and heart on the line, the question of “Is it me or is it Mexico?” moves to the foreground.
I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve had some unsafe experiences. It’s natural to feel disillusioned after repeated negative experiences, especially when it comes to dating. The emotional toll of meeting people who don’t meet your standards — or worse, who are unsafe — can make anyone question whether it’s worth continuing to try. However, the desire to find a partner and build a family is a profound and meaningful goal. It’s important to acknowledge that these feelings are valid, but also to recognize that this process of searching for love is often more complex and challenging than we’d hope.
While it’s understandable that you might be tempted to relocate to Europe, I’d encourage you to reflect on a few important aspects before making a major decision. Firstly, let’s consider the cultural context around dating in Mexico versus Europe. Research indicates that the dating norms and expectations in different regions — even within Europe — can vary greatly. You may find that, just as in Mexico, dating in Europe also has its own challenges — whether it’s the pressure of online dating, differences in communication styles, or varying attitudes toward commitment. Psychologist John Gottman is famed for saying that “every relationship is a cross-cultural experience” because even if someone was your next door neighbour, each partner grows up in a household with unique expectations around relationships.
On the other hand, cultural differences in regards to relationships exist on a spectrum, and they may be amplified if Mexico is especially different from your own culture. A fresh start can be incredibly invigorating and it may open new avenues for meeting people and exploring different dating cultures.
Secondly, let’s talk about you. Arguably, the best way to attract a healthy relationship is to focus on yourself first. Research shows that people who are emotionally healthy and self-aware tend to attract more compatible partners, and have higher satisfaction and stability in three stages of relationship development: flirtation and dating, relationship consolidation, and relationship maintenance. Reflect on the type of partner you want and whether there are areas of your own life, whether that’s self-esteem, boundaries, communication, expectations and how you treat others when you’re feeling stressed or insecure that you can strengthen.
Even as a psychologist, I don’t believe that everyone needs therapy all the time. However, I do believe that the task of changing relationship patterns is particularly hard to achieve on your own. This is shaped by our earliest childhood experiences — it’s like the water a fish swims in: so ingrained that we often don’t even realise it’s there. While friends can be incredibly supportive, they often cheerlead or act as an ally rather than offering the in-depth reflection needed to break old patterns. A therapist can provide insights into your dating behaviours, help you process past disappointments, and clarify what you’re truly looking for in a partner, so you can develop healthier, more effective relationship strategies.
In the end, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to relationships and finding love. If you’ve already done the work on yourself, feel you’ve exhausted all options in Mexico, and your goal of partnership is enough of a priority, then ultimately relocating may provide a fresh perspective and more options. Whatever your decide, by remaining self-aware and open, you can keep moving towards the relationship that is right for you, whether it’s in Mexico or elsewhere.
Warmly,
Jenna
Jenna Mayhew is an Australian psychologist based in Mexico, with over 20 years of experience in Australia, England and Mexico. She is the founder of Hola Therapy, a bilingual practice dedicated to supporting the immigrant and cross-cultural communities in Mexico.
Hola Therapy aims to give back to the community and one way they achieve this is by providing by clinical and financial support Misión México Foundation. https://www.misionmexico.org Misión México Foundation is a charity in Tapachula, Chiapas, Mexico. They provide a stable, therapeutic environment for some of the state’s most vulnerable children, with a focus on safety, emotional recovery and education.
If you have enjoyed the “Ask Jenna” column, please consider giving back by making a small donation to the Misión México Foundation
Hi Fred, Kimberly and Soxman@,
Perhaps the lack of conclusion on what she should do made it a lacklustre read. In some questions there has been enough details for me to make a recommendation (while this is unusual for a therapist, my personal approach to therapy is to share the evidence base and make a recommendation when appropriate), but in this case I felt it more appropriate to explore themes than to direct the reader as to what action she should take. So much is unknown.
Wow! You sure you aren’t a friend of mine in CDMX? With the exception of your age, mines a little older, you have described her to a tee…you both have the same issues! The first problem is your goals! Who goes into a relationship thinking of marriage and babies on the first date? Where is the electrical attraction? My friend had 33 pieces of criteria going into relationships, I recently learned! After I fell off my chair in disbelief, I asked her to lay them out. She did and we whittled down to three! What do you think guys pick up from a woman who exudes even one of her criteria…getting married? There are so many steps to go through before that even becomes a conversation. What are you thinking? Secondly, my friend believed in the laws of real estate…it only takes one, so she dated 15 guys in one month! Again, after I fell off my chair, I asked her if she was hooking! Seriously, what can any of you be thinking with this attitude? Finding a meaningful, loving partner means getting off your phone and getting out there meeting people…all the people she was meeting were on those sites! Moving doesn’t necessarily accomplish anything as your attitude is the same just transplanted to a new location. Change you vibe and just have fun and see where it goes as you never know. Yes, it is going to take trial and error, but that is life. But, going in with seeking a marriage partner and babies is a sure way to not reach whatever is in your future. Even the least awake guy can pick up that vibe!
Contrary to some of the negative comments, I thought the advice was quite substantial given the public nature of a column. Get comfortable with oneself, as best you can, is always good advice. Easy-to-say-but-hard-to-do stuff is what therapy is often about, isn’t it? Now, let’s explore those reflexively negative feelings, shall we?