All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here.
CABO SAN LUCAS — As violence grips the imagination of U.S. cable news, a rotating cast of American correspondents continued their courageous on-the-ground reporting from the swim-up bar of a five-star Los Cabos resort this week, pausing occasionally to describe Mexico as “a nation on the brink.”
“The situation here is frankly terrifying,” Fox News correspondent Brad Whittaker told viewers Tuesday, adjusting his linen shirt as a waiter arrived with his second poolside margarita. “Ordinary Mexicans are living in fear.” Behind him, several ordinary Mexicans could be seen arranging towels on sun loungers.
Within hours of the Mexican government asserting control over Mexico, no fewer than twelve U.S. television crews had touched down in Jalisco, spreading out across the state to document a collapse that locals were, frustratingly, completely oblivious to. CBS correspondent Jennifer Mallory delivered a solemn live shot outside a shuttered shopfront, which locals confirmed was closed because it was Wednesday afternoon.
“The mood here is one of barely concealed dread,” Mallory reported, as a family behind her took a selfie in front of a fountain.
ABC News ran continuous breaking news coverage under the banner “MEXICO MELTDOWN,” crossing live to their correspondent in Cancún, who described the atmosphere in Guadalajara as “extremely volatile” from a distance of some 700 miles, pausing twice to reapply sunscreen.
The New York Times dispatched a four-person investigative team, which filed an 8,000-word piece on the fragility of the Mexican state that quoted eleven U.S. security consultants, three Mexican government officials, and zero people from Jalisco.
CNN, for its part, assembled a panel of experts to discuss what comes next, a segment that featured the phrases “power vacuum,” “tipping point,” and “this changes everything” a combined nineteen times in forty minutes.
On the ground in San Miguel de Allende, lifestyle influencer @Expat_Awakening_Brad posted a seventeen-minute Instagram Live from the courtyard of the local Starbucks, interviewing American and Canadian retirees about how they were coping with the psychological toll of the crisis.
Mexican security analysts noted that similar coverage had followed every major cartel disruption since 2009, and that the cartel had subsequently continued to operate on each occasion. This observation did not make it onto the panel.
Tourism officials noted that U.S. visitor numbers remain near record highs, suggesting that American tourists are considerably less alarmed by Mexico than American journalists are.
Puerto Vallarta hotel occupancy remains at 94 percent.
Check out our Jalapeño archive here.
Got an idea for a Jalapeño article? Email us with your suggestions!
