All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here.

EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA — Mattel confirmed Thursday that its Hot Wheels Mexico Heritage Collection will expand beyond the iconic Nissan Tsuru taxi following the toy’s viral success, announcing a full line of die-cast vehicles described by the company as “a love letter to Mexican automotive culture” and by Mexicans as “finally, yes, obviously, what took you so long.”

The collection is as follows:

The Se Compra Colchones Truck — A rusted flatbed pickup moving at approximately 8 kilometres per hour through a residential neighbourhood at 7 a.m. on a Saturday, broadcasting a pre-recorded message of such distorted, low-fidelity audio quality that after 35 years of continuous deployment no resident has ever heard it clearly enough to confirm the full list of items being purchased, though “colchones” is audible and “lavadoras” is implied. The truck comes with a working speaker that plays a 4-second loop at a volume calibrated specifically to penetrate double-glazed windows and the deepest stages of sleep simultaneously. Mattel’s sound engineers spent three weeks replicating the exact frequency. Collectors are advised that the speaker cannot be disabled.

The Garbage Truck with Xylophone Man — A 1:64 scale replica of Mexico City’s municipal waste collection vehicle, complete with a miniature figure hanging off the back playing a hand-held xylophone to alert residents. The xylophone does not play. Collectors have already filed complaints. The figure’s expression, frozen in the specific joy of a man who has fully committed to his xylophone-based professional identity, is described in the product notes as “authentic.”

The Microbus, Ruta 52 — A heavily customised Volkswagen-style microbus with hand-painted route numbers, a St. Jude Thaddeus figurine glued to the dashboard, fringe along the windshield, and a door that the packaging notes “opens only from the outside, as is traditional.” Comes with four more passengers than the vehicle was designed to hold. The driver figure has one arm out of the window. His expression suggests he has not slept.

The Combi Food Truck — A Volkswagen Type 2 van converted into a taco stand, deployed at 11 p.m. on a residential street with no explanation. Accessories include: a folding table, a gas canister of ambiguous vintage, and a handwritten sign with three items crossed out. The remaining item is available. Limit two per customer.

The Tsuru, Intercity Edition — A companion piece to the original CDMX taxi, this variant features cracked tail lights, a missing wing mirror, 340,000 kilometres on the odometer, and a pine tree air freshener that has been there since 2003. The pine tree is not removable. Mattel said this was intentional.

The full collection will be available exclusively in Mexico. Mattel described it as a celebration of the vehicles that actually move the country. Mexicans described it as “questionable.”

Check out our Jalapeño archive here.

Got an idea for a Jalapeño article? Email us with your suggestions!