El Jalapeño: Trump proposes tariffs on Mexican fentanyl, calls domestic cartel sector “tremendous opportunity”

All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. This one was sent in by a reader.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that his administration’s sweeping campaign of indictments against Mexican officials and business figures is Phase One of a larger trade realignment — one designed to protect what he called “the last great American consumer market” from unfair foreign competition.

“Mexico has been dumping narcotics into our country for years — no tariffs, no inspections, no respect,” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “America has millions of drug addicts, fine people, many of them voted for me. They deserve American-made product at a fair American price.”

(US Department of War)

The administration is expected to announce a 50 percent tariff on imported fentanyl and methamphetamine as early as next week, a measure trade advisors say will level the playing field for domestic producers currently unable to compete with heavily subsidized Mexican supply chains.

“This is textbook protectionism,” said one trade economist who asked not to be named. “You impose the tariff, prosecute the foreign competition and let the domestic industry fill the gap. The only unusual part is the product category.”

The president acknowledged one structural gap in the plan. Coca cultivation requires tropical conditions unavailable within current U.S. borders — a deficit he said would be resolved through Venezuela’s accession as the 51st state, at which point “new American farmers will grow the plants and legal American workers will process them, beautifully.”

The White House did not respond to questions about DEA jurisdiction, federal licensing frameworks, or whether existing cartel infrastructure would qualify for the administration’s previously announced small-business reshoring tax credits.

Mexico’s Economy Secretariat noted in a brief statement that it had spent forty years being told to stop exporting drugs, and requested clarification on which policy currently applied.

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