All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here.

WASHINGTON, District of Columbia — Following high-level security talks in Washington on Thursday, U.S. officials formally requested that the Mexican government enact a nationwide buffer zone preventing its own citizens from coming within line-of-sight distance of the international boundary, foreign ministry sources confirmed.

The request, presented by U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio to Mexican Foreign Affairs Minister Roberto Velasco, would require an estimated 12 million residents of border communities to either relocate inland or close their eyes whenever facing north.

According to delegates familiar with the private meeting, U.S. negotiators expressed concern that the mere physical presence of Mexican citizens on Mexican soil creates an operational hazard for illegal immigration.

“The fundamental issue is proximity,” said a senior U.S. official who spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss sensitive diplomatic protocol. “When a Mexican citizen stands on a sidewalk in Ciudad Juárez and looks across the river, it creates an atmosphere of potential movement. We are simply asking Mexico to manage its geography in a way that aligns with our political preferences.”

Under the proposed bilateral security framework, Mexican authorities would establish a 15-kilometer “Visual Exclusion Zone” along the northern frontier. Municipal planners in Tijuana are reportedly evaluating giant canvas curtains to obscure views of San Diego, while residents of Nogales may soon be required to submit weekly affidavits certifying they have no immediate plans to walk in a northerly direction.

Ministry officials reportedly countered by offering to install topes on northern-pointing footpaths, noting that bilateral cooperation has already yielded historic reductions in cross-border foot traffic.

The diplomatic friction comes despite public statements from both governments praising recent progress on counter-narcotics and security integration. In a post on X following the bilateral summit, Velasco noted that existing security cooperation schemes have “yielded the best results in the region,” though he did not clarify whether those results included the eventual depopulation of northern Mexico.

U.S. officials remain hopeful that a compromise can be reached before the upcoming fiscal quarter, proposing that Mexican citizens wishing to live near the border apply for a special domestic presence permit certifying that their proximity is entirely coincidental.

Check out our Jalapeño archive here.

Got an idea for a Jalapeño article? Email us with your suggestions!