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WASHINGTON, District of Columbia — Federal disaster management officials convened an emergency cabinet session last weekend to finalize strategic distribution guidelines for the nation’s rapidly depleting diplomatic reserves of mashed avocado.
The measure followed the temporary suspension of U.S. Department of Agriculture inspection services in Michoacán. This decision abruptly halted the daily northbound transit of thousands of metric tons of the single-seeded berries. Within hours of the announcement, commercial chip-and-dip supply chains across all 50 states reported critical supply compression, triggering what agriculture experts have termed an unprecedented “guacamole shortfall.”
According to documents released by the Department of Commerce, a newly drafted contingency framework has established a tiered alert system for food service establishments. Under new protocols, for example, restaurants will be legally required to dilute existing tableside preparations with up to 40% pico de gallo, sour cream or carefully seasoned air.
“We are asking the American public to maintain composure and exercise strict portion control during this period of geopolitical adjustment,” said Undersecretary of Agricultural Logistics Arthur Vance, speaking from a podium flanked by two armed guards safeguarding a glass-encased wooden bowl. “Effective midnight, the standard two-scoop serving accompanying commercial fajita platters will be temporarily capped at one measured teaspoon, available exclusively by documented proof of a birthday.”
In suburban markets across the Midwest, panic buying was reported at several upscale grocery chains, where distressed hosts queued for hours to secure individual, slightly bruised avocados. Emergency dispatchers in three states reported receiving non-emergency calls from frantic partygoers inquiring whether pulverized green Doritos, dyed mayonnaise or a paste made of minced lawn clippings and lime juice could be legally passed off as authentic guacamole without triggering guest walkouts.
At press time, backyard hosts across the nation were reportedly pivoting to high-risk contingency menus, with several trade groups advising organizers to distract guests from the empty dip bowl by dramatically increasing the tequila-to-sour-mix ratio for margaritas. However, the announced resumption of avocado exports may make such drastic measures unnecessary.
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