When your children look like they need a little help but won’t accept it, what do you do? Can you make your son go to therapy if he doesn’t want to? Jenna Mayhew has been working as a psychologist in Mexico for eight years. At her practice, Hola Therapy, she has made it her mission to help foreigners living in Mexico, Mexicans with a foreign partner, foreigners with links to Mexico and Mexicans with links to foreigners or foreign countries.
Every week, Jenna answers MND readers’ questions on the pressing issues of relationships, mental health and navigating changes that come with relocating to and living in Mexico.
Dear Jenna,
I’m a 45-year-old single Dad living in the south of Mexico. My son is 11 years old and lives with me. He’s had a couple of really rough years. His school has recommended that he go to therapy and I agree, but he’s told me doesn’t want to. I tried talking to him about how it can make him feel better. He told me doesn’t want to talk to a stranger and doesn’t believe it can help him. How can I get him to go?
Concerned Dad
Dear Concerned Dad,
It’s great to see your dedication to your son’s well-being. Navigating the world of mental health can be challenging, especially for children who may feel hesitant about therapy. Many parents struggle with this step — it’s like there’s a speed hump to get over before the therapy even starts.
Here are some evidence-based strategies to help you encourage your son towards therapy:
- Understand his concerns: Children often fear the unknown. I see you’re already talking to him about his feelings towards therapy and that’s great. Keep the conversation going. Ask open-ended questions to explore his reservations, like “What do you think could go wrong?” According to research from the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), understanding a child’s perspective is crucial for addressing their anxieties about seeking help.
- Normalize therapy: Let him know that therapy is a common practice, and many people benefit from it. Sometimes focusing on what happened, rather than on them as a person reduces the stigma. Instead of “I see you’re not doing well at school and therapy could help”, shift the focus onto “You’ve been through a lot. When people experience things like that, therapy can really help them.”
- Reassure and support: Remind him that it’s okay to feel nervous about talking to someone new. He doesn’t have to share everything right away, such as “You don’t have to share anything you’re not ready to share, you can wait until you trust them, it’s at your pace.”
- Be a role model: Share your own experiences with stress and coping mechanisms, and talk about any support you’ve sought. This can reinforce the idea that everyone, including adults, sometimes needs help. “I really struggled too. But I’m so glad I’ve got someone to talk to.”
- Empower him in the process: Involve him in the selection of a therapist. According to a study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, children are more likely to engage in therapy if they feel they have some control over the process.
- Introduce the therapist: Have a brief meet-and-greet to see if it’s a good fit. This can demystify the experience and make it less intimidating.
- Consider family therapy: Sometimes, participating in therapy together can help bridge the gap. Family therapy can create a shared space for discussing feelings, which might make him more receptive to the idea of individual therapy afterwards.
- For my most controversial recommendation — consider a reward for going the first one or two times. Many people take issue with rewards and punishments, but when intrinsic motivation is low, a little external motivation can give the push that’s needed. For many kids (and adults!) the first appointment is the hardest. Once they’re through the door and have had a session or two, they quickly realise how much they enjoy it and engage happily in the process.
Finally, you can also consider “parenting therapy” just for yourself. You’d be amazed at how effective therapy can be for a child even when it’s done only with the parent! You learn skills to create a ‘therapeutic environment’ for your child, and the therapeutic benefit trickles down to them through you.
Good luck and I wish you both the best on this journey.
Jenna
Ask your questions
To submit your question to Jenna, leave a comment on this article with the heading “QUESTION”. Please include as much detail as you would like to about yourself (age, location etc) and why you are interested in the question.
Jenna Mayhew is an Australian psychologist based in Mexico and is the founder of Hola Therapy, a bilingual practice dedicated to supporting the immigrant and cross-cultural communities in Mexico. Hola Therapy provides therapy in-person and online across Mexico and worldwide.
Hola Therapy aims to give back to the community and one way they achieve this is by providing by clinical and financial support to the Misión México Foundation. Misión México Foundation is a charity in Tapachula, Chiapas, Mexico. They provide a stable, therapeutic environment for some of the state’s most vulnerable children, with a focus on safety, emotional recovery and education.
If you have enjoyed the “Ask Jenna” column, please consider giving back by making a small donation to the Misión México Foundation (you will see a “donate now” button at the top of their webpage).
