Mexicans are famous for their polite social graces and good humor. Unfortunately, they’re also known for a strong aversion to saying “no,” or saying anything negative at all.
But what one sees as polite omission, another might take as flat-out lying. Being polite while also communicating what you mean can be a tricky balancing act, it’s true. And for those of us from more direct cultures, it’s downright opaque. Why would someone just not say what they mean?
Nothing is as simple as it seems, I suppose. Still, there are plenty of recognizable broad strokes we can examine here.
A lesson in keeping the negative to yourself
An impressive example of this tendency came years ago when I lived in Querétaro. I’d been working at a language school then — the kind that says they’ll help with immigration papers but never do. It was someone’s birthday, and teachers and students alike all went out to a bar to celebrate. It was a good time!
The next day, the director of the school told us teachers that one of the students wouldn’t be coming to class that day; there’d been an issue with his car. What was the issue? Someone had broken into it and stolen his car radio and CD player!
And when had this happened? It wasn’t when we were inside the bar, no. It happened at the school before we all left. He’d given some of us a ride, even, and had said nothing about his missing equipment.
It’s been almost 20 years, and I’m still shocked he kept that in.
He didn’t want to say anything about it because he didn’t want to ruin the evening before it had even begun. I myself would have been physically incapable of not saying anything. Just, wow.
Now that I’ve been here a while longer, I’ve seen more examples. People simply seem loath to talk about things that will make people gloomy. What for? We can get sad all on our own, after all.
So the first rule of communication, then, is to not disappoint. That is, of course, if you want the person you’re talking to to feel good. I’d personally rather be momentarily disappointed than later be sitting around like a dummy waiting for someone who’s not going to show, but that’s on me, I guess.
So knowing that “no” is a “no-no word” here, how might you decipher what people mean when they give you an answer?
Words that actually mean ‘no’: an anthology for foreigners
Well, that’s just what I’m here to help you with! Below is a list of “actually, that might mean ‘no'” words and phrases.
“Gracias”
This one is tricky. I sometimes have to stop myself from pedantically saying, “Um, that’s not one of the options for a yes or no question.” I can tell you from experience that challenging someone’s politeness in this way makes you look like an ass.
The way I’ve personally gotten around this is to pause comically and ask, “¿Gracias ‘sí,’ o gracias ‘no’?” That will usually get a grin and an actual answer, which, by the way, is almost always “Gracias, no.”Remember that you can use it, too! It’s especially helpful when you’re wandering through a market and merchants are offering their wares. It also usually works if the “market” is coming to you in the form of individual sellers! An emphatic “muchas gracias” will usually transmit the idea that, while you are very grateful for the offer, you will not be purchasing a bottle of perfume on that particular day.
“A lo mejor sí”
“A lo mejor” is a phrase that means “probably” or “likely.” It’s important to note, then, that all interpretations leave some wiggle room for it maybe not working out. If it doesn’t actually work out, well, they haven’t lied! There was always a chance.
This is, to me, one of the more dismissive ways to say no, a kind of “uh-huh, sure” version. In Mexico, this kind of dismissive “doing what you can to leave the conversation already” is called “dar el avión” (to… give the plane?). And when you “das el avión,” it’s often detectable. There are two likely outcomes of this, then. One is that the other person sighs, gives up, and goes on their way. Another is that they get frustrated: “¡No me des el avión!” If that happens, you’d better think of a better, more convincing way to say “no.”
“Déjame ver/checar”
This one is similar to “a lo mejor sí” in that it’s very likely to be an actual “no.” It means “Let me see” and “Let me check.” Spoiler alert: they will likely conclude, and may or may not tell you, that the result of the seeing/checking was negative.
“Ahorita”
This is one that my kid uses on me all the time, and it drives me crazy. We speak in English together, so her version is “in a minute.” “Ahorita” could be when someone will definitely do something right then. Or it could mean anywhere from right that moment to when hell freezes over.
In my experience it’s typically the latter, or alternatively, after the person’s finally been worn down from enough nagging about it. So beware, people. If you’re hearing “ahorita” from your partner frequently and it’s not turning out to be “right now for real” kind, there will probably be some frustration in your future.
“Estamos en contacto”
This one is kind of fun because it sounds so official and business-like. “We’ll be in touch.” Oh, will we? Most people don’t intend for this to be a lie, it’s just nicer to say than, “We may never see each other again, I don’t know, but you’re pleasant enough.”
Alas, this is a short list. I’ve got a word limit! But I’d love to hear more examples of “This is what they actually meant” in the comments. Consider this your official call for stories!
Sarah DeVries is a writer and translator based in Xalapa, Veracruz. She can be reached through her website, sarahedevries.substack.com
Absolutely loved this! Having lived in Mexico for the last five years, I have been puzzled and even bamboozled by this inherent trait. You have provided me with tools to better navigate and embrace the culture of my new home! Muchas gracias!
Same with asking for directions. Many years ago, a friend and I drove to a small town to see a performance of the Bolshoi Ballet. We were amazed that the Bolshoi Ballet was going to perform in this small town. There were no street names in the small town and so we had no address. We just knew that the performance was going to take place in the Auditorium. As soon as we got into town, we started asking people on the street where the Auditorium was. We had so many answers and they all sent us in different directions. My friend kept saying, “Why do these people keep lying to us? Why do they all hate us? They don’t even know us?” Finally after a couple of hours, we found the Auditorium on our own. We missed the first half of the performance.
Another time, my husband and I were driving down to San Miguel from the border. We stayed in a hotel one night and the next morning we had forgotten which direction the highway was. We asked the doorman for directions to the highway. We followed his directions and ended up in the city dump! The good thing was that we could see the highway from the dump — in the exact opposite direction from the hotel.
I like to caridcature Mexican directions as “Doble a la izquierda en la esquina endonde estaba la panaderia hace cinco años.” (Turn left at the corner where the bakery was five years ago.)
One other classic one: “lo que pasa es que….”
Tal vez.
Quizas.
Si Dios quiere.
Lo tomamos en consideración.
Mañana lo vemos/platicamos.
And lest I forget…
Déjame pensarlo y me comunico con Ud.
Here in Mulege, “mas tarde hoy” means “never”
I can see article titles, and the comments, but not the body of the articles.
Ghhhuey, I find I have to go to comments enter anything, just anything, like nnnn and voila! the article appears.
Sometimes on my phone, I just have to be patient for a minute. Very Mexican. The text will show up.
I learned about this reluctance to say “no” and the tendency to tell people what they want to hear the hard way years ago when I was teaching ESL in California and planning field trips. Students would tell me they were going when they had no intention of doing so. Since sometimes chartering a bus or getting tickets was involved, the dishonest “yeses” were maddening. Finally I clearly and emphatically got the message across that it was fine to decline and that I wouldn’t feel bad if someone did so.
Another maddening thing people say when confronted with the fact that they don’t come through with something (fulfilling an appointment or repaying a loan) is the phrase, “Me da Pena.” That means it would be too embarrassing to own up to one’s irresponsibility. BTW, I’ve learned that loans are usually considered gifts here, so I don’t do loans at all any more. A Mexican friend told me his solution is to offer the person who asks to borrow money some amount less than what’s requested as a no-obligation contribution.
“de vuelta tal vez” o sea, when hell freezeth over.
I’d say more ‘no’ phrases are, “Nos hablamos” or “Nos llamamos”, “Te llamo.”
One more thing you do not loan is books, and before, records, tapes or CDs. You won’t get them back.
Another interesting cultural tidbit to look out for is if you praise someone’s earrings, for instances, don’t be surprised if they present them to you later as a present.
My son told me to say ” Ya lo tenemos”. To the shopkeepers in the markets. I don’t know if it’s culturally correct, but it works like crazy! From fresh fish to pinatas.
La tendremos en quince días. Might mean never.
I think I’ve experienced everything mentioned. And that’s a lot.