Thursday, December 5, 2024

How do I know it’s a “no”? — A comprehensive guide for foreigners

Mexicans are famous for their polite social graces and good humor. Unfortunately, they’re also known for a strong aversion to saying “no,” or saying anything negative at all.

But what one sees as polite omission, another might take as flat-out lying. Being polite while also communicating what you mean can be a tricky balancing act, it’s true. And for those of us from more direct cultures, it’s downright opaque. Why would someone just not say what they mean?

Merchants of patriotic items, such as flags and tricolor hats, officially started their harvest tolerated in the Center, with a parade that started from the Monument to the Revolution towards the Zócalo.
“Gracias”, “chance sí”, “ahorita” are some of the Mexican favorites to turn down someone. Watch out for them! (Moisés Pablo/Cuartoscuro)

Nothing is as simple as it seems, I suppose. Still, there are plenty of recognizable broad strokes we can examine here.

A lesson in keeping the negative to yourself

An impressive example of this tendency came years ago when I lived in Querétaro. I’d been working at a language school then — the kind that says they’ll help with immigration papers but never do. It was someone’s birthday, and teachers and students alike all went out to a bar to celebrate. It was a good time!

The next day, the director of the school told us teachers that one of the students wouldn’t be coming to class that day; there’d been an issue with his car. What was the issue? Someone had broken into it and stolen his car radio and CD player!

A newspaper vendor cries after protesters fought in front of her newsstand, during a protest where street vendors clashed with police. The above in front of the Palace of Fine Arts
Mexicans have a really hard time saying ‘no’ in fear of hurting someone’s feelings. (Alice Mortiz/Cuartoscuro)

And when had this happened? It wasn’t when we were inside the bar, no. It happened at the school before we all left. He’d given some of us a ride, even, and had said nothing about his missing equipment.

It’s been almost 20 years, and I’m still shocked he kept that in.

He didn’t want to say anything about it because he didn’t want to ruin the evening before it had even begun. I myself would have been physically incapable of not saying anything. Just, wow.

Now that I’ve been here a while longer, I’ve seen more examples. People simply seem loath to talk about things that will make people gloomy. What for? We can get sad all on our own, after all.

So the first rule of communication, then, is to not disappoint. That is, of course, if you want the person you’re talking to to feel good. I’d personally rather be momentarily disappointed than later be sitting around like a dummy waiting for someone who’s not going to show, but that’s on me, I guess.

Woman shaking her head
Don’t expect anything as obvious as a shake of the head. (Christopher Ott/Unsplash)

So knowing that “no” is a “no-no word” here, how might you decipher what people mean when they give you an answer?

Words that actually mean ‘no’: an anthology for foreigners

Well, that’s just what I’m here to help you with! Below is a list of “actually, that might mean ‘no'” words and phrases.

“Gracias” 

This one is tricky. I sometimes have to stop myself from pedantically saying, “Um, that’s not one of the options for a yes or no question.” I can tell you from experience that challenging someone’s politeness in this way makes you look like an ass.

The way I’ve personally gotten around this is to pause comically and ask, “¿Gracias ‘sí,’ o gracias ‘no’?” That will usually get a grin and an actual answer, which, by the way, is almost always “Gracias, no.”Remember that you can use it, too! It’s especially helpful when you’re wandering through a market and merchants are offering their wares. It also usually works if the “market” is coming to you in the form of individual sellers! An emphatic “muchas gracias” will usually transmit the idea that, while you are very grateful for the offer, you will not be purchasing a bottle of perfume on that particular day.

“A lo mejor sí” 

“A lo mejor” is a phrase that means “probably” or “likely.” It’s important to note, then, that all interpretations leave some wiggle room for it maybe not working out. If it doesn’t actually work out, well, they haven’t lied! There was always a chance.

A man wringing his hands
“And then he tried to ask me a question I couldn’t say ‘no’ to.” (Kelly Sikkema/Unsplash)

This is, to me, one of the more dismissive ways to say no, a kind of “uh-huh, sure” version. In Mexico, this kind of dismissive “doing what you can to leave the conversation already” is called “dar el avión” (to… give the plane?). And when you “das el avión,” it’s often detectable. There are two likely outcomes of this, then. One is that the other person sighs, gives up, and goes on their way. Another is that they get frustrated: “¡No me des el avión!” If that happens, you’d better think of a better, more convincing way to say “no.”

“Déjame ver/checar” 

This one is similar to “a lo mejor sí” in that it’s very likely to be an actual “no.” It means “Let me see” and “Let me check.” Spoiler alert: they will likely conclude, and may or may not tell you, that the result of the seeing/checking was negative.

“Ahorita” 

This is one that my kid uses on me all the time, and it drives me crazy. We speak in English together, so her version is “in a minute.” “Ahorita” could be when someone will definitely do something right then. Or it could mean anywhere from right that moment to when hell freezes over.

In my experience it’s typically the latter, or alternatively, after the person’s finally been worn down from enough nagging about it. So beware, people. If you’re hearing “ahorita” from your partner frequently and it’s not turning out to be “right now for real” kind, there will probably be some frustration in your future.

“Estamos en contacto”

This one is kind of fun because it sounds so official and business-like. “We’ll be in touch.” Oh, will we? Most people don’t intend for this to be a lie, it’s just nicer to say than, “We may never see each other again, I don’t know, but you’re pleasant enough.”

Alas, this is a short list. I’ve got a word limit! But I’d love to hear more examples of “This is what they actually meant” in the comments. Consider this your official call for stories!

Sarah DeVries is a writer and translator based in Xalapa, Veracruz. She can be reached through her website, sarahedevries.substack.com

16 COMMENTS

Have something to say? Paid Subscribers get all access to make & read comments.
Migrants of different nationalities demanded that the Mexican Commission for Refugee Assistance (COMAR) respect the dates of the appointments

How to stand in line (or how not to) in Mexico — a comprehensive guide for foreigners

8
There's more to waiting in line in Mexico than you might think - here's the secret to success.
Panoramic view of a beach in Los Cabos, Baja California Sur.

What’s on in December in Los Cabos?

0
Everything's big this month in Los Cabos: big stars at the Los Cabos International Film Festival, big year-end parties and big whale sharks here for the winter.
Mexican Thanksgiving

Mexico and Thanksgiving: There’s plenty to this story

2
The Thanksgiving horn of plenty is in many ways the perfect metaphor for Mexico, argues Greg Custer.