El Jalapeño: Mexico launches audit of unauthorized CIA agents; results suggest problem larger than first anticipated

All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here.

MEXICO CITY — Following the discovery of two unauthorised CIA agents operating in Chihuahua last weekend, the Mexican Ministry of Security launched a nationwide audit Monday to determine whether additional undisclosed US intelligence personnel might be present on Mexican soil.

The audit, which cross-referenced entry records, diplomatic registries, and what a spokesperson called “certain patterns of behaviour that in retrospect seem obvious,” identified 34 individuals operating without authorisation across eleven states. None of them had informed the federal government of their presence. Several had been in Mexico long enough to acquire loyalty cards.

The Mexican Senate
A full enquiry is taking place into the extent of the infiltration. (Andrea Murcia/Cuartoscuro.com)

Among those identified:

A man operating a register at an OXXO in Monterrey, Nuevo León, since approximately 2023. He was found to have memorised the inventory system, learned conversational Spanish with a Regio accent, and developed what colleagues described as “a genuine friendship with the Sabritas delivery driver,” which investigators noted was either impressive field craft or a man who had simply been there too long.

Two individuals employed at a Pemex station in Ciudad Juárez — one on the pump, one in the attached mini-mart — who entered Mexico as tourists in 2024 and apparently decided the cover was working well enough to extend indefinitely. The pump attendant had, by the time of his identification, received an employee of the month certificate. It is displayed above his locker. He asked if he could keep it.

A woman working at a Farmacias Similares in Culiacán who had, over eighteen months of unauthorised intelligence gathering, also qualified as a licensed pharmacy technician under Mexican federal health regulations. Farmacias Similares said she was one of their best staff members and asked if there was any way to resolve this administratively.

A man identified at a taquería in Hermosillo, Sonora, where he had been working the comal since early 2025. Investigators noted his intel reports, recovered from an encrypted device, contained unusually detailed observations about regional narco movement patterns and also, separately, the correct ratio of fat to lean for ideal al pastor, which he had apparently perfected over several months of unauthorised field work. Local customers, informed of the situation, said they were sorry to see him go and asked if he had left the recipe.

The CIA declined to comment on any of the individuals identified. The US Ambassador described all thirty-four as “embassy personnel,” a statement the embassy has now applied to individuals whose most recent professional activity included mopping a Soriana in Saltillo.

Sheinbaum, at her morning press briefing, confirmed that she hopes this represents the full extent of the situation. Investigators said they were still going through the OXXO records. There are 22,000 OXXO locations in Mexico. The audit is ongoing.

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