El Jalapeño: 300-kg crocodile relocated for safety of tourists, even though it was there first

All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here.

PUERTO ESCONDIDO, OAXACA — Civil Protection authorities successfully captured and relocated a 300-kilogram, 3-metre crocodile from Bacocho Beach Monday after the animal alarmed tourists by being present in a coastal lagoon system it has occupied, along with its ancestors, for approximately 74 million years.

The crocodile, described by authorities as posing “a real threat to humans,” was found stationary on the beach after being displaced by a swell event. It had not approached anyone. It had not displayed aggression. It was, by all available evidence, simply there, which is something it and its predecessors have been doing in this specific coastal area since before the Gulf of Mexico had its current shape, before the Sierra Madre existed in its present form, and before the resort infrastructure of Puerto Escondido was developed in the 1970s, which is when the humans arrived.

crocodile being removed from beach
Bit unfair to do this when he was here first. (Facebook)

Civil Protection personnel captured the animal, confirmed it had no injuries, loaded it onto an ATV, and transported it to Lagunita de Punta Colorada, a lagoon authorities described as “suitable within the crocodile’s habitat,” which is a description that also applied to Bacocho Beach, where it was before the tourists were there, and to every other body of water along this stretch of Oaxacan coast, where it was also before the tourists were there.

The tourists returned to the water following the crocodile’s removal.

Authorities confirmed surveillance operations are ongoing to ensure beachgoers’ safety. They did not comment on the crocodile’s perspective on the matter, as it had submerged.

Civil Protection urged the public not to approach crocodiles, not to attempt to handle them, and to report any sightings immediately. The crocodile, whose species has survived five mass extinctions, two supercontinent separations, and the complete reorganisation of life on earth, was not available for comment. It is, however, still out there.

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