El Jalapeño: Ensenada fisherman says latest catch, a US Navy torpedo, is ‘a keeper’

All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here.

ENSENADA, Baja California — A local fisherman has formally declined three separate diplomatic requests and an increasing financial settlement from the United States Department of Defense to return an inert MK 54 practice torpedo he hauled aboard his vessel last week, insisting that under international maritime traditions, the weapon is legally his.

Tomás Aguilar, 58, netted the 9-foot, 600-pound U.S. Navy training device 20 nautical miles southwest of Ensenada after initially mistaking it for an unusually heavy dorado. Since towing the ordnance back to port, Aguilar has tethered the torpedo to his dock, outfitted it with a blue tarp to protect its painted finish, and repeatedly informed visiting Navy representatives that he intends to keep it.

Despite increasingly lucrative offers from the U.S. Navy, Aguilar continues to insist the torpedo is now his. (This image was generated by AI tools)

“They lost it off San Clemente Island two weeks ago, its battery died, and it drifted into Mexican waters,” Aguilar said while polishing the torpedo’s bronze propeller assembly with an old towel. “In the bay, if you leave a lobster pot unattended for two weeks, it belongs to the sea. The same principle applies here.”

The impasse has drawn escalating attention from defense officials in Washington, who initially offered Aguilar a standard finders’ fee of US $500 and a ceremonial U.S. Navy cap. By Monday afternoon, negotiations had involved officials from both the U.S. Department of State and Mexico’s Secretariat of Foreign Affairs (SRE), with the American counteroffer rising to US $45,000, a diesel engine overhaul and lifelong entry privileges to the San Diego Naval Base commissary.

Mexican diplomatic personnel have attempted to mediate the standoff, noting that while federal maritime protocol generally encourages the swift return of foreign military equipment, Aguilar’s legal defense — supported by three retired local harbor captains — remains surprisingly robust under 19th-century salvage precedent.

“We have gently explained to Mr. Aguilar that maintaining personal ownership of foreign naval ordnance creates an unusual precedent for regional bilateral relations,” said a spokesperson for the Secretariat of Foreign Affairs, speaking on condition of anonymity. “However, he has presented a signed receipt from the Ensenada harbor master labeling the object as ‘unclaimed aluminum float,’ which is kind of accurate, I guess.”

Pentagon officials have privately expressed frustration over the delay, emphasizing that while the MK 54 REXTORP contains no active explosive warhead, it remains classified training hardware containing proprietary sonar technology. Aguilar, however, remains unmoved by security concerns, noting that the device’s painted nose cone makes it an ideal centerpiece for his niece’s upcoming quinceañera.

At press time, delegates from the U.S. Naval Attaché were reportedly assembling on the Ensenada pier alongside Mexican Navy representatives, preparing to offer Aguilar a refurbished commercial panga boat and full salvage indemnity in exchange for the weapon.

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