El Jalapeño: Mexico to reduce deficit by renting out National Palace; tanning salon and quinceañera hall now accepting bookings

All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here.

MEXICO CITY — President Claudia Sheinbaum announced Monday a new fiscal diversification initiative in which underutilised spaces within the National Palace will be made available for private use, generating revenue streams that officials described as “complementary to existing budget mechanisms” and economists described as “not what we expected from this administration but fine.”

The initiative follows confirmation that a member of the public successfully used a National Palace window as a personal tanning balcony for an unspecified period without detection, prompting officials to conclude that if the space was going to be used anyway, it might as well contribute to GDP.

someone tanning from Mexico's National Palace
(Screenshot of video taken from Mexico City’s Zócalo)

As a result, the following areas of the palace have been opened up to enterprising local businesses:

Room 4B, South Wing — The Tanning Balcony. Full southern exposure. Excellent natural light. Views of the Zócalo. Available by the hour, Monday to Friday, excluding press conference days. Towels not provided. Users are advised that the balcony is visible from street level to anyone with a mobile phone and that going viral is, at this point, a known risk of the booking.

The East Courtyard — Quinceañera and Event Venue. Cobblestone flooring, colonial archways, and Diego Rivera murals provide a backdrop that no event planner in the private sector can replicate. The package includes tables, chairs, and a DJ power outlet. The murals are not available for photography without written permission, though the government acknowledges this has never once been enforced.

Room 12, First Floor — Domino Hall. Four tables. Available Thursday evenings. Bring your own dominoes. Coffee provided. Plastic chairs. The specific plastic chairs that are somehow simultaneously the most uncomfortable and the most ubiquitous seating in the entire country. The chairs were sourced specifically for authenticity.

The Main Corridor — Tamalera, Weekends Only. A vendor will be present Saturdays and Sundays from 7 a.m. until the tamales run out, which officials confirmed will be before you arrive, regardless of what time you leave home. The corridor’s acoustics have been certified by the National Institute of Anthropology and History as ideal for the phrase “¡hay de rajas, de elote, y de mole!” delivered at full volume. One flavour will always be unavailable.

The Presidential Antechamber — Photoshoot Studio, Sundays 2–4pm. Available for family portraits, XV años pre-shoots, wedding photos, and influencer content. The chair behind the desk is included. Sitting in the chair is 200 pesos extra. Demand for the chair has been “significant.”

The Basement — Storage. Available for boxes, furniture, appliances, and items described by their owners as “things I’ll deal with later” that have been there since 2019. Monthly rate. No questions asked. The government asks that renters do not ask about the other things already in the basement. Both parties will be more comfortable this way.

Sheinbaum confirmed the initiative is expected to generate sufficient revenue to offset a modest but meaningful portion of the national deficit, depending on tanning balcony occupancy rates, which early projections suggest will be high given that the space has apparently been in informal use for some time at no charge.

“We must have great respect for what the National Palace represents as a historical landmark,” she said, before confirming that the tamale vendor had already been booked through December.

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