El Jalapeño: Puerto Vallarta crocodiles request civil restraint, propose designated zones for humans

All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here.

PUERTO VALLARTA, Jalisco — Representatives of the Puerto Vallarta crocodile population held a rare joint briefing Friday to address what they described as a growing wave of human encroachment, urging municipal leaders to enforce stricter zoning laws and reduce unprovoked expansion into ancestral estuaries.

Speaking on behalf of an estimated 350 local crocodiles, spokes-reptile El Gordo expressed deep concern over the recent spike in human encounters, calling the trend an unsustainable consequence of unregulated resort development and chaotic urban planning.

Crocodile
Eleven crocodiles have been killed in the Puerto Vallarta area in the last several weeks, prompting local reptiles to form a coalition against further violence. (Unsplash)

“We have lived in these wetlands for generations, navigating the seasonal rains with predictable, quiet discipline,” the spokesperson said through a state-certified environmental interpreter. “Yet every summer, hundreds of unvetted bipedal land-dwellers arrive, ignore clearly posted signs and walk directly into our dining rooms. We are simply asking for some basic boundaries.”

The statement comes following reports from Jalisco’s Ministry of Environment and Territorial Development (Semadet), which confirmed an uptick in interactions between humans and Crocodylus acutus. While state officials attributed the trend to seasonal rain patterns, the local crocodile coalition maintained that the primary driver remains human disregard for established ecological etiquette.

To de-escalate tensions, the reptile coalition submitted a list of formal policy recommendations to municipal authorities. Proposals include designated human-only enclosures, mandatory orientation seminars for beachgoers on estuary dynamics and a permanent ban on late-night selfie attempts near river deltas.

“We do not wish to disrupt the local economy,” El Gordo added. “However, if humans insist on roaming through protected mangroves at twilight, we must insist that they adhere to standard safety protocols. Respect goes both ways.”

In response, local authorities announced plans to install standardized warning flags and increase municipal patrols along high-traffic estuaries. Meanwhile, crocodile representatives confirmed they will continue monitoring coastal activity, expressing cautious optimism that both species can achieve peaceful coexistence through mutual spatial awareness and significantly fewer construction projects.

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