El Jalapeño: Tulum named world’s happiest destination by company no one has ever heard of

All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news. Check out the original article here.

TULUM, Mexico — An exhaustive, algorithmically driven study conducted by an overseas travel insurance broker has officially designated Tulum as “the happiest place on Earth,” determining that visitors to the coastal town experience absolute human fulfillment — at least according to the keywords used in their online reviews.

Researchers at Dublin-based firm JustGoNow arrived at the score of 100 out of 100 after scanning more than 1 million online ratings for high-frequency terms like “euphoria,” “bliss” and “transformative,” while successfully filtering out secondary search terms such as “pothole,” “taxi union” and “sargassum.”

“Transformative” bike rides are one of the reasons Tulum has become associated with happiness, along with “blissful” beach days and “joyous” cenote swims. (Alex Azabache/Unsplash)

“The mathematical evidence is indisputable,” said Arthur Higgins, chief data analyst for JustGoNow, who conducted the global happiness assessment from an office park outside Dublin. “When a reviewer writes, ‘Swimming in an underground cenote makes me feel completely aligned with the universe,’ our software registers that as pure, unadulterated joy. We then tally these ‘happiness’ indicators compared to other destinations to come up with accurate rankings requiring no actual travel on our part.”

The study praised Tulum’s unique ecosystem, noting that tourists achieved peak tranquility through a balanced routine of eco-friendly boutique stays, jungle wellness retreats and online posts expressing how satisfied they are with the experience so far.

According to local tourism officials, the perfect score highlights a growing international demand for second-hand travel experiences recorded on high-end smartphones and immediately uploaded to social media.

“We are deeply honored to be declared the global capital of happiness by a company that sells emergency flight cancellation policies,” said Roberto Morales, a regional hospitality coordinator. “It proves that true inner peace is achievable for anyone willing to pay a US $200 day-bed minimum and disregard the sound of heavy construction equipment coming from behind the palm trees.”

The index placed Tulum ahead of other top-ranked joy centers, including Las Vegas and New York — two locations long celebrated by travel experts as global sanctuaries of unhurried, serene reflection.

Check out our Jalapeño archive here.

Got an idea for a Jalapeño article? Email us with your suggestions!

6 COMMENTS

Have something to say? Paid Subscribers get all access to make & read comments.

El Jalapeño: Guest who said ‘bueno, ya me voy’ at 9:14 p.m. reaches front gate at 1:37 a.m.

2
Saying goodbye in Mexico is never easy, but dinner party guest Eduardo Ramírez found it slightly more complicated than usual, delaying his departure by more than four hours.

El Jalapeño: National Palace overrun by feral cats, Sheinbaum admits

3
Although she's not ready to declare a state of emergency, President Sheinbaum admits that the National Palace has way too many feral cats.
AI generated image

El Jalapeño: Mexico is only good for ‘tamales and tomatoes’ … and keeping the entire US economy functioning on a daily basis

2
Trump said Mexico was only good for "tamales and tomatoes," omitting a couple of key details Mexican officials were happy to provide.
BETA Version - Powered by Perplexity