Do you live in Mexico, and are you wondering about how to reinitiate intimacy with your partner? Jenna Mayhew has been working as a psychologist in Mexico for eight years. At her practice, Hola Therapy, she has made it her mission to help foreigners living in Mexico, Mexicans with a foreign partner, foreigners with links to Mexico and Mexicans with links to foreigners or foreign countries.
Now, Jenna answers MND readers’ questions on the pressing issues of relationships, mental health and navigating changes that come with relocating to and living in Mexico.
Dear Jenna,
Me and my husband are 80 years old and are still active. 15 years ago we were in our sixties and had a satisfying sex life. Then, about seven years ago, he just stopped all affection. He had a penal implant and said it hurt. I said that that was okay; we could still have affection like foreplay.
Well, that never happened. Everything just stopped. He never went to a doctor to see if anything could be done and stopped taking male hormones. When I bring this up, I get an obligatory kiss good night. He shows his affection by doing things for me, but I really need some physical affection. A bit will do.
Mary
Dear Mary,
It sounds like you and your husband have navigated significant changes together over the years. The transition to reduced physical affection can be challenging, particularly when one partner is managing health-related issues and it happens so abruptly. It’s understandable that you feel disappointed by his lack of proactive engagement. He hasn’t followed up medically, nor has he taken up the suggestion of non-penetrative sex like foreplay. It sounds like you feel quite alone when you try to raise this as a need of yours, receiving the brush-off response of an “obligatory kiss goodnight” rather than an authentic conversation.
Firstly, I think you’ve tried some really helpful things already. You sound like you’re compassionate about the medical side and you’ve tried to talk openly with him. So let’s focus on tweaking some of those strategies to rekindle affection in your relationship.
Open communication: Start a gentle conversation about your feelings. Let him know how much you miss physical affection and how it enhances your emotional connection. Instead of saying, “You never show me affection anymore,” try “I miss the hugs we used to share.” This softer approach can lead to a more open and less defensive conversation.
Address medical concerns: Encourage him to discuss his reluctance to follow up medically. Is it logistics? It is embarrassment? Is it a belief that nothing can help? If you understand the reason for the reluctance you may be able to support him in finding a solution.
Explore alternative affection: Consider what types of affection feel comfortable for both of you. Many people shy away from affection out of fear it will lead to sexual expectations. Reassure him that physical touch doesn’t have to culminate in sex. Simple gestures like holding hands, cuddling on the couch, or gentle massages can help rekindle that connection.
Express gratitude: Regularly acknowledge the ways he shows affection through his actions. This recognition can reinforce his sense of being valued and encourage him to explore more physical forms of connection.
Remember, rebuilding intimacy can take time, and it’s important to be patient with each other. You’re both navigating this phase of life together, and finding new ways to connect can enrich your relationship. Here’s to a journey of rediscovery and deeper affection.
Jenna
View this post on Instagram
Ask your questions
To submit your question to Jenna, leave a comment on this article with the heading “QUESTION.” Please include as much detail as you would like to about yourself (age, location, etc.) and why you are interested in the question.
Jenna Mayhew is an Australian psychologist based in Mexico, with over 20 years of experience in Australia, England and Mexico. She is the founder of Hola Therapy, a bilingual practice dedicated to supporting the immigrant and cross-cultural communities in Mexico.
Hola Therapy aims to give back to the community and one way they achieve this is by providing by clinical and financial support to the Misión México Foundation, a charity in Tapachula, Chiapas. They provide a stable, therapeutic environment for some of the state’s most vulnerable children, with a focus on safety, emotional recovery and education. If you have enjoyed the “Ask Jenna” column, please consider giving back by making a small donation to the Misión México Foundation
