JALISCO, MEXICO — In a move described by local officials as “absolutely not compensating for anything,” the Jalisco State Police rolled out three shiny new Tesla Cybertrucks this week, promising to chase down crime and Instagram likes faster than ever before.
Governor Pablo Lemus Navarro announced the purchase of the Cybertrucks as part of a 678-vehicle upgrade splurge ahead of the 2026 FIFA World Cup, describing the 970 million peso price tag as “pocket change compared to our collective sense of security.” “We need to work hard on security perception,” Lemus said, moments before asking photographers to capture his best angle next to his armored Black Mamba “sort-of-like-tanks.”
U.S. diplomats have praised Jalisco’s fleet on social media, declaring “Jalisco is stepping up into the future,” in a post suspected to be written by a chatbot developed for diplomatic optimism.
Not everyone is impressed. Leaders from the ruling Morena party mocked the fleet, with state president Erika Pérez remarking, “I see this and think Robocop is going to come out.” Congressman Carlos Lomelí demanded more transparency, and asked, “How will this reduce insecurity?” before reportedly getting a free Cybertruck test drive.
Police plan to use the Cybertrucks as mobile command centers, equipped with SpaceX’s Starlink internet “so they can patrol, tweet, and stream soccer matches in glorious 4K, all at the same time.” Tourists visiting Guadalajara, Puerto Vallarta, and Tequila will be safer — or at least “will see the Cybertrucks and feel vaguely safer, which is basically the same thing,” Lemus explained.
The World Cup is expected to bring over five million visitors, who will each have the chance to take a selfie with a Cybertruck. Plans for drone-mounted flamethrowers are currently on hold “pending Elon Musk’s next inspirational tweet.”
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