BAJA CALIFORNIA COASTLINE — From now until April, thousands of adult humans will gather along fluorescent-lit office cubicles, open-plan coworking reefs, and suburban strip-mall habitats of Mexico’s Baja California peninsula, providing bored whales with unparalleled opportunities to observe the strange primates in their natural environment.
Migration and mating habits
Every November, humans return from remote “work-from-home” feeding grounds to congregate in dense herds near printers, coffee machines, and malfunctioning conference-room projectors. They will remain there through the cold months, engaging in complex rituals such as “budget season” and “Q1 strategic alignment,” before fleeing to warmer leisure waters with the first hint of spring PTO.
Marine biologists report that adult humans use this season to perform elaborate mating displays, including “Secret Santa,” “ugly sweater contests,” and loudly explaining cryptocurrency at holiday parties. Dominant males are often identified by their willingness to speak for 47 minutes in meetings that could have been an email, while dominant females can be seen effortlessly managing three projects, two children, and one collapsing civilization at once.
Responsible human-watching guidelines
To protect this fragile, emotionally unstable species, authorities have issued strict guidelines for visiting whales observing humans from offshore glass-bottom boats.
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Do not remain in the viewing zone (open-plan office) for more than 30 minutes, as prolonged exposure to corporate jargon may cause disorientation, nausea, or sudden desire to purchase a standing desk.
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Avoid surrounding or chasing solitary humans attempting to eat lunch alone; this is a critical “doomscrolling and microwaving leftovers” behavior necessary for the species’ mental health.
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Do not attempt to feed humans, especially with unsolicited diet advice, multilevel marketing schemes, or links to their own company’s press releases.
Experts also emphasize respecting the humans’ right to rest, especially new parents and junior staff who have not slept since the last product launch. Under no circumstances should whales tap on office windows, send “quick Slack pings,” or schedule Friday 4:45 p.m. meetings, which are considered forms of harassment under international conservation law.
Human Fest 2025 announced
To celebrate the return of dense human pods to their office habitats, Baja California’s tourism board has announced “Human Fest 2025,” a three-day festival in Los Cabos, featuring live music, workshops, and guided tours titled “Observe the Commuter in the Wild” and “Introduction to the Inbox Panic Response.” The festival’s stated goal is to promote sustainable tourism and economic recovery in regions recently devastated by hurricanes, pandemics, and poorly thought-out rebrandings.
Workshops will train visiting whales to identify key human calls, such as “circle back,” “touch base,” and the endangered “let’s log off early,” while also teaching best practices for minimizing stress on humans, including never asking “So what do you do?” more than five times an hour. Conservationists hope that with proper guidelines, both species can continue peacefully coexisting: humans staring at whale videos to escape work, and whales staring at humans to remind themselves it could be worse.
El Jalapeño is a satirical news outlet. Nothing in this article should be treated as real news or legitimate information. For the brave souls seeking context, the real news article that inspired this piece can be found here.
