All stories in El Jalapeño are satire and not real news.
OTTAWA — In a landmark infrastructure deal Prime Minister Mark Carney and Mexican officials have broken ground on the Trans-Continental Bypass — a suspended highway designed to let North America’s top and bottom neighbors hang out without the loud middle child getting involved.
The project, colloquially dubbed “The Great Polite Arc,” will stretch from Ottawa directly to Monterrey, cutting out the need to set foot in the United States entirely.
After this week’s uproar over whether the existing Gordie Howe bridge between Mexico and the U.S. will be allowed to open, the Arc turns from satire into a reasonable backup plan, offering Canadians and Mexicans a quiet detour around the chaos in the United States.
“It is a triumph of engineering,” said Dr. Guillermo Fuentes, Mexico’s newly appointed Secretary of Vertical Tourism. “We have designed special soundproofing barriers to block out the noise of American pharmaceutical commercials. Finally, Canadian snowbirds can migrate to Lake Chapala without having their blood pressure spiked by a Texas toll booth.”
American officials appeared confused but supportive, with one Kansas resident looking up at the construction and asking if the bridge would have a drive-thru Starbucks or at least a Buc-ee’s attached to the pylons.
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