In a move described by military historians as both “bold” and “possibly the biggest cruise dinner interruption since the Titanic,” Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he personally authorized a “kinetic strike” on what sources later revealed was the Marigalante — the infamous Puerto Vallarta pirate ship beloved by tourists and anyone who enjoys limp buffet shrimp and forced pirate puns.
According to Pentagon insiders, the “heavily armed galleon-style vessel” was first flagged by analysts after TikTok videos surfaced showing passengers cheering during an abnormally realistic cannon fight and suspiciously abundant rum-based cocktails. “Frankly, it checked every box for cartel activity: wooden ship, pirates, fireworks, unlicensed sword fights, and untaxed Mai Tais,” Hegseth explained during a press conference held outside Señor Frog’s.
Eyewitnesses say the strike occurred just as the pirate actors began their nightly “surrender or walk the plank” skit, which, due to the missile, turned out to be more interactive than usual. “The whole ship started tilting — I thought it was part of the dinner show, until the waiters began yelling, ‘Abandon ship!’ instead of ‘Last call for daiquiris!’” recalled one shaken but well-fed tourist.
The U.S. government confirmed that it will continue to dispense justice, American-style, whenever the need arises. When pressed on the possibility of future strikes, he replied, “Let this be a warning: if you’re mixing pirates, pyrotechnics, and all-you-can-eat surf-and-turf — freedom may strike when you least expect it.”
Though no tourists were harmed, Hegseth hailed the mission as proof that “no vessel is too whimsical, nor any tourist’s vacation too sacred, to be left untouched by American firepower.”
El Jalapeño is a satirical news outlet. Every story here is a masterclass in creative fiction, served with extra sarcasm and zero factual seasoning. Nothing reported should be treated as real news or legitimate information. For the brave souls seeking context, the original article that inspired this piece can be found here.
