In a bold new move defying geography, hydrology, and basic common sense, the federal government announced that the long-canceled Texcoco Airport project will be reborn — this time in Xochimilco, where officials claim “the ground seems way less swampy if you squint from a helicopter.”

The announcement came after Lake Texcoco’s rising waters fully reclaimed the remains of the former airport site. “Nature clearly wants Texcoco back,” said project spokesperson Jorge Daniel Fonseca, standing knee-deep in newly formed wetlands once home to terminal foundations. “So we’re heading to Xochimilco, where water is just a theoretical concept now.”

Landscape architect Iñaki Echeverría, leading the Lake Texcoco restoration, nodded supportively. “We’re turning Texcoco into a thriving wetland while turning Xochimilco into a thriving tarmac. It’s perfect symmetry,” he said, ignoring the sound of fish splashing nearby.

Government engineers remain undeterred, presenting ambitious plans to replace Xochimilco’s longboat rides with “aeronautical trajineras” powered by repurposed jet engines. “The good news is, if it floods, we’ll just call it a ‘traditional’ airport,” one planner said cheerfully.

Locals in Xochimilco expressed mixed feelings. Some welcomed the development, hoping the airplanes might “at least scare away the mosquitoes.”

As part of the sustainable vision, officials promised to name the new site Xochimilco Axolotl International Airport (Take Two) and ensure it’s “completely future-proof” by sitting on at least six layers of reinforced optimism and environmentally friendly heavy metals.

Meanwhile, birdwatchers at Texcoco continue celebrating the return of thousands of migratory species to the newly restored wetlands. “It’s beautiful,” said one, “though we can’t help but wonder where those birds will go once the new flight path runs right through their old home.”

When asked about potential flooding in Xochimilco, an anonymous official responded confidently: “Come hell or high water, it’s probably dryer than the last place we picked.”

El Jalapeño is a satirical news outlet. Nothing in this article should be treated as real news or legitimate information. For the brave souls seeking context, the real news article that inspired this piece can be found here. Check out our Jalapeño archive here!

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