Being the bougie foreigner that I am, I often get massages. I especially love it because the lady who gives them actually comes to my house with her massage table! For 650 pesos, I relax and let her knead my muscles, achy or not. While most of the things I love about Mexico are not related to prices, this one honestly is. What luxury! What a deal!
The only downside? Well, the business is just her, and she is a person. This means that sometimes things come up, and she cancels, or is late, or even forgets to cancel. It hasn’t happened a ton, but it has enough that I shot back a frustrated message yesterday. “Why can’t you cancel at least a few hours before, or the day before, instead of 20 minutes before? Surely you knew you were going to do the things you’re doing now, which are causing you to not make it here on time, and I arranged my own day around this appointment.”
Being understanding
Normally, I’m a sweetheart and understanding. But I’ve been sick for about a week and just feeling awful, and it’s made me extra grouchy.
In the end, I apologized … especially since the reason she couldn’t make it was because she’d gone with her family to figure out where to bury her recently deceased father. As often happens, things were more complicated than they’d expected, especially since different members of the family had different ideas about where the most appropriate space for him would be. The clock was ticking, and traffic was growing heavier. She just wasn’t going to make it.
But I know that 100% formality can’t be expected in this kind of situation. You can’t expect people who have their businesses as one or two individuals to give the kind of service you’d expect from a gigantic corporation with billions of dollars and the kind of organization that comes with it.
That’s also partly how I’ve been waiting months for a washer and dryer set to get fixed, by the way.
Informality in Mexico
If you’ve lived in Mexico for very long, I’m sure you’ve noticed the kind of informality I’m talking about.
For some things, it’s awesome: you can have your doctor’s WhatsApp and send them a message. You can show up at places a little late and not have to apologize. You can drop your dog off with almost no notice at the kennel on your way out of town. If you don’t feel like keeping plans you made, it’s not too big of a deal to back out, even on the day of.
The list goes on.
For other things, it’s infuriating. A recent example that comes to mind is the lack of supplies at car inspection places here in Veracruz. The state’s answer to getting rid of the tenencia (what used to be a yearly car tax) has been to require inspections of private vehicles every six months. It’s about 800 pesos, and I guess it’s good to make sure that vehicles aren’t polluting too much and that their brake lights are working.
This last time around, we went to about four different places before we were able to get our car verificado. Some were closed even though it was during hours they were supposed to be open. Some had run out of stickers (you put them on your car as a sign you’re up to date) and didn’t know when they’d be getting more. Others’ card readers for payments were not working. It was almost funny. Almost.
‘Better to ask forgiveness’
But such is life in Mexico — at least in the communities that don’t depend on tourism to support their entire economy.
Things are late, people are late. Often, no warning or explanation is given, as most Mexicans tend to live by the maxim, “It’s better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.”
As a somewhat uppity gringa, I like formality, and I really like punctuality. I know very well that punctuality, which I might consider a branch of formality, is not always of utmost value here. Still, I’m insulted if I’m made to wait around for someone for too long. It’s like temperature regulation — if you grew up with climate control, you’re always going to long for it when you don’t have it, save for moments of purely perfect weather.
But if you want to make good friends here, you can’t spend your time griping at them for not conforming to your own values. I mean, you can explain how you feel: “Changing plans last minute or making someone wait shows a lack of respect for the other person’s time and plans.”
Trying to roll with it
There are a few Mexican friends that I’ve downright given up on. One in particular would not only not cancel beforehand, but she’d wait until I called or messaged an hour into our meeting time to say, “Oh, I got so busy at work and couldn’t go, sorry!”
Which brings me to another thing it took a while to realize here: many people would rather simply not show up than disappoint you directly. They’d rather you feel disappointed by yourself, without them on the phone or in front of you. Perhaps the next time you meet, you’ll have forgotten! (I have not forgotten.)
Thankfully, most people are formal enough with our plans.
In the meantime, I’ve got two choices: I can either roll with it, knowing to expect that some things just won’t happen the way I’d planned, or I can just die mad about it.
I’m working hard on not dying mad about it, and learning more and more to laugh things off instead of hyper-fixating on the way one thing going wrong causes a chaotic chain reaction in my never-ending to-do list.
Some days that’s easier to do than others. But what choice do I have? I’m working on it.
Sarah DeVries is a writer and translator based in Xalapa, Veracruz. She can be reached through her website, sarahedevries.substack.com.
